Grilling with a Snap On

    A wise man ounce told me the secret to being a man.  "At the end of life when you're sitting in that wooden box and your family and close friends are mourning your death, you will be judged on two things and two things only on which all other things will reside.  How mean was your barbecue and how grand was your tool set."   This old wise man was correct.  Over the ages you may have called it cooking a dead animal and also have the best darn arsenal kill those animals and  also to protect your family.  Cooking the dead animal was the spoils of the hunt, but part of killing that animal you needed the right spear, crossbow, gun which would also be the same tools that would protect your family  against your enemies.  

    Times have changed.  You no longer need those killing tools to protect your family (although the NRA would disagree)  But face it, your children are far more likely to die in a car accident than being killed by an intruder in your house.  Therefore to have the tools that would keep that car up to top running condition is more important than having a gun beside your bed.  Living in California you want those tools around when you experience a minor/major earthquake. And after it does hit you  realize that securing that water heater down and being able to turn off the gas with a righteous snap on crescent wrench just saved your family.  Different states have different kinds of disasters, which require tools to fix those many broken parts.  You may think I'm over simplifying and perhaps I am.  But tell me it's not true.  You just find different tools to protect your family in a different way.  That's protecting your family in this day in age.

    Your tools don't have to be the best of course.  The less tools you own the less you love your family (just kidding).  I myself have a small toolbox for me and my wife.  I don't have one of those cabinets 5 feet high with a thousand drawers full of every kind of tool. (yet)  I have the bare bones. I make a donation to my manly cause whenever I can.  I  have about 10-12 screwdrivers with magnetic tips of all shapes and sizes for almost any occasion.  A few types of  hammers, pliers, c-clamps, needle nose, volt meter, wire cutter, pocket knife, black duct tape, soldering iron, level,  socket wrench with sockets, and a power strip.   Of course I also have a craftsman cordless drill, with more drill bits than I'll ever use. (special thanks to my father in law Tom, on that one, excellent birthday gift)  I don't have much but remember I have the rest of my life to add.  As we all do.  :)  In a sick kind of way you want your kids to fight over your tools when your gone.  The worse is when no one wants them and they end up being sold at a garage sale by your widowed wife because no one wants them.  But even that's ok because one's mans old tools is another mans collection.  If your kids aren't fighting over them then you didn't raise them right.  Again I kid.  Now onto the grilling/barbecue.

    When man threw his kill onto a fire pit, barbecue was born.  Like it or not we can never go back.  There has always been Chiefs, and there has always been Chief Chefs.  Yeah, they don't teach you that in history class.  Why?  Because I just made it up fool.  But I know I'm right, because this is ThaGierk.Com where ThaGierk is always right.  You cannot have 30 man like primates sitting around a fire pit arguing about where the hot spots are.........WAIT maybe you can.  There are two types of men around that fire.  Those who can talk the talk and those who have the natural talent and ability to actually cook the meat over the flame.  Those who can't ......Talk Cheese, those who CAN are too busy watching for burn, char, flare ups, and youngsters straying to close to the fire.  AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE I AM THE TALKER.  At least ThaGierk can admit it.  Can you?  I talk to learn, I say things that don't always make sense so I can be corrected.  At my age it's not good to ask questions about the grill.  I should already know how to grill. I do know how to grill when it comes to burgers, chicken and some types of steak)  If  I say things that are incorrect or just plain crazy the Chief Chef thinks I've been trained incorrectly and gives me proper direction.  Like life it's a learning process. 

    I'm also out to see true grilling talent and potential.   Since I just can't walk up to a family barbecuing at the park I do the next best thing.  I look for barbecue pictures on the internet.  I prefer AOL home personal web pages, and Yahoo personal pages.  Here are a few examples I found on the net.

Now this guy has a lot going wrong with his grilling/barbecuing action.

     That flame is too dam high!!  What the hell is he thinking.  From what I can make out there is no Coleman propane tank.  Which means a few bad things for him and  his other dinner guests.  They are about to have burn chicken on the outside and pink uncooked chicken on the inside with a nice aftertaste of lighter fluid.  But wait there's more......if they are really lucky they may spend the night with the toilet gods and  a possible trip to the ER room for food poisoning.  Did you notice how close he is to the house and that wooden fence?  He's looking all proud, this may be his first attempt at working the grill.  Judging by the thickness and color of the barbecue sauce on the plate, it looks to be original craft barbecue sauce, indeed that would be a dead give away to his armature status.  He does look confident.  Confidence counts for a lot when working with a fire.  And another thing, where is his beer?  I give this kid, that's right I said it KID, I give him a D on his all around barbecue technique.  But remember he does have many years to perfect this.  Understand, we all had to start somewhere.  Hell, he does look kind of  like ThaGierk many years back.  Keep working on it kid!!!  NEXT!!

      Now this looks a lot better.

    This person is doing it up right!!  He's cooking what looks to be some kind of pork ribs.  He puts the meat  into the oven for a few hours, which is key.  Looks like a marinade was applied (perhaps 24hrs in advance).   I found out this is a James McNair's Grilling Book recipe.  I tried to look it up but with no luck.  So go buy the book.  Anyhow, after cooking the meat for a few hours the cue is lit up.  Notice how high that flame is in the second picture.  That is normal.  In another picture that I didn't post, there are soaked wood chips in with the coals as well. After the coals have turned a grayish white, as the 3rd picture shows that is when you put the meat on.  Granted I do understand that the grill was open to take a picture of the meat.  I assume the person grilling has the lid closed so the ribs can absorb the smoke from the wood chips.  I give it an B.  Why a B not a A?  Look at how close the grill is to the house!!  I see dry leaves in the background!.  It may be cold outside and cooking the meat is a long process so leaving it close to the house to keep an eye on it may be the reason.     

    When your gone from this planet, you don't want the people closes to you mourning your death.  You want them to be crying about the great barbecue that's not going to be there anymore.  It must be your legacy!!!  If you don't have a tool box, buy one, and start that journey.  If you don't grill, then get your ass over to Wallgreens, WallMart, even Safeway and hook yourself up with a nice $10-17 piece of crap and get started. 

Grilling Tips   

    In the summertime you should be tending the grill at least 2 times a week.  In the wintertime once or twice a month, or when the weather allows.  DO NOT GRILL IN YOUR HOUSE WITH ANY KIND OF OUTDOOR GRILL.  Foods that should always be cooked over the flame.

    1.Steaks

    2.Hamburgers

    3.Salmon

    Some will say ribs but,  ribs should be precooked  in the oven if possible.  But that's just one approach.  I don't know how to say this last little tip without coming off like a racist, but I will say it.  If you get a chance to be invited to a brothers house for a barbecue, GO!!!  The brothers do make the best dam barbecue.  But be for warned.  The brothers hold onto their grilling technique like it was the family jewels.  I talked to my friend Herb for over an hour and the only information he gave me was that the Oakland Raiders would win the superbowl later that day and that he only used Mr. Stubbs barbecue sauce for his ribs.  He was incorrect on both issues.  The Raiders lost, and I found a basting bowl in his kitchen with no Mr. Stubbs bottle to be found anywhere including the trash.